Dear Chicks,

I have a relative who runs me down verbally; she insults and deprecates my faith, morals and lifestyle. I feel that there is no choice for me but to avoid her, and I am doing that, but her words still bother me after many months.

Question: What can I do to be healthy in this situation?

MG, Canada

Sometimes there are people in our lives who just don't get us and take every opportunity to let us know how they feel. We confront them, reason with them, tell them off or maybe just steer clear of them--all of which take guts and finesse, particularly when the offenders are "tied" to us through family, friends or work. But we endure, and finally put an end to this unacceptable situation. Or so we thought. The kicker comes after the dust settles and we find that avoiding these troublemakers or putting them in their place may not be enough because their words burn in our ears long after our last encounter with them. This really bites. Why should our minds take over where the annoying person left off and keep replaying the situation?

Perhaps more of the conflict is within us than we realized--this is actually good news because we have much more power to change ourselves than to change others. What do we mean that the conflict is within us when it was clearly caused by someone else? Sometimes circumstances arise when doubt is cast upon our beliefs and values because we need to affirm these values for ourselves. The person giving us the hard time merely serves as the catalyst. This is not someone you want to be around, to be sure, but when their unfounded comments stick in your head, consider it an opportunity to strengthen your own resolve. Each of us grows up collecting all sorts of ideas from our parents, teachers, television, and our own life experience. As we evolve, particularly along the spiritual path, we gain knowledge that obviates the need for some of our old beliefs, yet the old ideas don't always leave us willingly (and neither do the people who represent those old ideas). There was a documentary a number of years ago about an American war veteran who went back to Viet Nam to return a diary to a North Vietnamese soldier. The veteran had snagged the diary as a kind of "trophy" after a battle. Even though his consciousness had evolved to the point where he saw value in making this connection with his former enemy, it was a tough trip for him because all those old feelings of fear, hatred and disgust came up along the way. But he got past those residual concepts that pop up like bad habits, and so can we. In fact, the more we see them for what they are, the less hold they have over us.

Another reason why hurtful situations linger is that it can bug the hell out of us to let someone go on thinking we are wrong. We want to change their mind. But if we're trying to keep others from criticizing, then we're fighting an impossible battle, and we may be doing Life a disservice as well. Another person's need to be angry and condemning has nothing to do with us. Our tendency is to take their criticism upon ourselves, but it belongs to them! So let them have it--not by criticizing them back and trying to change them, but simply by turning our attention to who we want to be and allowing them to be who they are. This also makes us less of a target for their wrath because we no longer provide the fight that these aggravated souls need to stay alive.

It's tough for sensitive, caring human beings to let a critical person be critical. After all, it's that very same sensitivity that brings you into the good graces of so many others. But there most definitely is a yin and a yang to life, and the trick to being healthy while others are pulling in the opposite direction is to acknowledge that they are part of life as well. When we can do this, even just a little bit, the unity of life becomes far more apparent to us than any divisions, and we realize that despite what others might think, we truly are on the path to peace and wisdom.

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